The last book in the series looks at styles of parenting and the effectiveness of each. It also looks at possible causes when the 4-part I challenge doesn’t work. We bring in the ‘soft no’, which is another alternative.

What are the possible causes of the ‘4-part I challenge’ not being effective? This particular skill may not work if it was your problem and not the child’s or if you were not being congruent. If you behave aggressively rather than assertively you may not get the desired result either.

When all else fails, you can save energy with the ‘soft no’. This skill can be used when you really don’t want to negotiate and you just want them to do as you ask. This can be used in potentially dangerous situations or when you’re just too tired to be bothered.

Finally, we conclude with reaching agreements with your children and then making sure they stick to them. This could be regarding simple issues such as leaving lights on, to more serious things like coming home later than agreed.

There comes a time when we do have to deal with unwanted behaviour without blaming and shaming. Book 11 gives step-by-step guidance to using the ‘4-part I challenge’ which encourages the desired change from your child without resorting to attack and blame.

When we challenge unacceptable behaviour, we want to do it while remaining friends with our children. Encouraging high self-esteem in our children should always be at the fore-front of any action we take, therefore despite pointing out behaviour we don’t like; we still want them to feel good about themselves.

There are four steps to encouraging co-operation; describe the offending behaviour, state the effect it has on you, tell them how you feel about that effect on you and ask them to help you with solving the problem.

When you behave congruently, your children will learn to do the same; it’s all in the style of communication. Book 11 also explores the hypnotic effect of language.

Being open and honest are possibly the most important factors in family communication. Sadly however, it happens rarely due to the fact we are not encouraged to say how we feel as children. If we are scared to tell the truth we will justify lying to save ourselves but being open and honest allows other people to trust us and feel safe with us.

Have you noticed how little children do not know how to be dishonest? ‘From out of the mouths of babes…’ as the expression goes, however they stop doing that when they are ticked off for being blunt and then learn to keep things to themselves.

Although we yearn for closeness in our relationships, we are taught not to trust people; ‘don’t talk to strangers’ we remind our children. Young girls learn to be suspicious of young men in case they ‘only want one thing’ and boys are taught not to express their feelings, which alienate them from each other.

Basic relating skills, like communicating our feelings with openness and honesty, and valuing our own and others’ needs, could be considered basic survival skills. Book 10 enables you to examine and practise these skills.

Many parents give up a lot of their own pleasures and pastimes when children come along and, mothers particularly, put the family first and themselves firmly last. It’s important to value our own needs too, get ourselves looked after and receive help and support from others in order to be able to continue giving.

We look at the difference between needs and wants and the way people behave in order to fulfil them. Parents’ needs are as important as those of the children or indeed anyone else.

We all have basic needs to love and be loved, to laugh and play, to have peace, quiet and safety, and to be respected, valued and cared for. Everyone’s needs are 100 percent important and there are ways to get everybody’s needs met without anyone losing out.

Behaviour to get needs met is learned unconsciously from our parents and other adults around us. Very broadly speaking, this behaviour usually falls into two categories; behaving submissively or aggressively. The more desirable behaviour is to be assertive.